Mercury’s rising
And Mars is in decline, so
Like, you know, watch out

As a writer, I
Know what’s it’s like when no one
Believes your nonsense

Take your time, don’t rush
And enjoy every one of
Your fifteen minutes

Rihanna can turn
Anything to gold, except
The song that you wrote

Remember that you
Are never alone, because
I am stalking you

The cold, cold stares of
Your pet fish will guilt you to
Overfeed them soon

Drive your car to the
Ends of the earth, where you will
Find happiness—psych!

The river’s rising—
My solution? Enjoy some
Coke! (Sponsored by Coke)

He who hesitates
Will be lost once the Cheetah
Aliens arrive

Schwarzenegger needs
A new job, but he won’t be
Part of your “pimp crew”

All pain, no gain is
The best way to describe your
Glass-and-nails diet

Now that you’ve bought a
Hummer, drive it into the
Desert and die there